The fantasy football season is fast approaching which means it’s time to start pouring over data and draft rankings and-oh, no sorry we’re not doing that. What we actually will be doing today is ranking each Bowling Bro by a very special metric today (by special I mean extremely dumb). Today, I will be throwing each Bowling Bro into Midjourney, the AI image generator, and having it depict everyone as an old-timey gridiron football player. I will then rank them based on how good of a football player I think they’d be. Got it? Good.
For all of the below photos, the prompt was “vintage American football poster, 1960.”
#7 – Ryan “The Fan”
There’s so much to dissect here. For one, this looks nothing like Ryan. Secondly, he doesn’t even look like an old-timey football player. He looks like a fan at a football museum or something. Lastly, what in the holy mother of God is going on with his hand? This iteration of Ryan does not need to be playing football at all. He needs to be seen by a medical professional.
#6 – Kelvin “The Golfer”
I don’t think this Kelvin would be very good at football, mainly because he’s chosen the absolute wrong attire for the sport. Kelvin’s fictional footballer may have fallen victim to picture choice. I think you all may know which picture I used to make this dashing iteration of Kelvin and it accidentally turned him into a football/golfer. This could actually be the first photo of someone playing teckreo, in fact. Regardless, he is at least holding a football, which is good enough to move ahead of Ryan.
#5 – Brent “The Streamer”
Hence the nickname, this seems much less like an actual old-timey football player and more like a Twitch streamer who is cosplaying as some dude named “Spike ‘Iron Knuckles’ McGraw.” He is wearing an actual football jersey though, so we are making baby steps towards the right direction.
#4 – Tyler “Muscleman”
We’ve finally done it. Tyler, our dear friend, is actually in full football attire. He looks dumb as rocks, sure, but he is indeed equipped to play the game of football. I’m not sure why but he’s giving Eli Manning in this photo. The resemblance to Tyler is iffy but I’d peg this guy as a “Hall of Very Good” quarterback in the 1950s.
#3 – Andrew “Aerial”
Admittedly, it looks like Midjourney took a more 1970s/1980s approach with our great pal Andrew. This dude would have terrorized quarterbacks and runningbacks alike back in the day. He’s wearing the number S for God’s sake, so he’s got to be a safety. Plus, with the Bill Walton-Esq looks, he would be endeared to a generation of football enjoyers.
#2 – David “The Tank”
David cares not for your health and safety concerns. Helmets? No thanks. Playing on a standard football field that doesn’t have brick walls immediately off to the sidelines? Never heard of her. If you’re a defender and you see David coming at you, it’s too late, you’re already screwed. David has endured the worst that football has to offer and he is no longer afraid of that dark night. He has nothing to lose and everything to play for. The Tank has been enshrined in the Hall for longer than the game has even existed.
#1 – Chad “The Bookend Bruiser”
Now this…THIS is your prototypical old-timey football player. Chad is a guy who can do it all, a Swiss army knife of sorts. Chad can play any position on the field and he can do it well. Like David, he plays with no helmet whatsoever. His aura is so strong, he has willed his jersey into color. This is the guy you see on Pro Football Reference with the season record in rushing and passing touchdowns and go “Who?” Players like Chad may be forgotten in the annals of history, amongst his other Bowling Bro compadres, but make no mistake: in his time he was one of a kind.
